"Staring at the rock at my feet."

I'm struggling today.

Not because of all the work that the RIM I class did on its mission project at the Corredor de Esperanza (which was absolutely amazing and fantastic!).  Not because I got up this morning at 3 am to take my parents to the airport to board a plane for California to visit with my sister for the next several weeks (I'd do anything for them!).  Not because it is pushing 90 degrees here, and I'm sitting in front of a little 4 inch fan that is trying as hard as it can to move some air around (Ok, this one I admit has me down somewhat!).  But I'm struggling today.

I'm struggling today because of what has been building and building for the last several months, and will not stop until it has gotten in the face of every United Methodist in our Conference (SWTX) and the whole of the Church.  I'm struggling today.

I'm struggling today because of the amount of rhetoric and argument that has not stopped nor waned in the least concerning the desire by some for schism.  I'm struggling today.

I'm struggling because I want more than anything else to know that the church I love and have devoted my entire adult life to serve will be around for my grandchildren to  come to know Christ in.  (I'm even struggling because I know that sentence was wrought with grammatical errors, and I don't even care enough to fix it.)  I'm struggling because I cannot locate my copy of Phyllis Tickle's book which looks back historically and remembers that about every 500 years or so, the Church goes through a major upheaval and forever changes.  And I am on the sidelines, desperately trying to figure out where I stand...  I'm really struggling today.

Orthodoxy has always had a strange attraction to me - perhaps because I have so loved history, and I have long desired to be counted in that number of saints who have marched in faith across the generations of time.  I have found great comfort in knowing that there has always been a remnant of the faithful, who have struggled to hold fast to that which was taught from the beginning.

And at the same time, I have found that progressivism has a certain appeal - taking the timeless truths of Christ and finding new ways to share them with a new people who are unaware of them, brings me a sense of excitement.  Finding new ways to convey these truths has tickled that part of my soul that makes me want to giggle with joy and anticipation.

But today, I'm struggling.  Having read several posts and the plethora of comments by dear friends who I hold in high regard, I hear the sighs of despair emanating from my own lips.  I have stood at the altar, and have spoken the words of institution, knowing that I am not worthy to do that very task, and I wonder about whether I am worthy to judge another.  I miss the old liturgy that spoke of not "...trusting in our own righteousness, but in Thy manifold and great mercies."  I have stood there very well aware of my own sin and sinfulness, "...not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table."  My sin was enough to warrant a cross.

I find myself as another one in the crowd, staring down at the rock that I have just dropped.  And I'm wondering whether I should just walk away quietly, or what...  Oh, I was ready to chunk that thing!  I've been told that I have a pretty mean curve ball (which was never what I wanted to throw before!).  And I had my target in sight.  But I heard a whisper in my ear that said, "This isn't what I want."  And I recognized the voice.  The whisper was a clear and concise reminder of just how sinful I am - Orthodox or progressive.  And I have to admit, for the first time I think I understand what's been missing in the conversation.  (Oh, we've danced all the way around the barn in a wonderful two-step of rhetoric and verbosity.  But we've never really said it out loud - point blank - in so many words.)  We all truly do stand in the need of God's grace and mercy.  And we are not truly Christian - no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves or others - until we have truly surrendered all that we have and all that we are to Christ, and put Him at the center of our lives.

I truly do not wish this post to turn into another in a series of one side versus the other - I've had quite enough of that for one lifetime.  (And, truth be told, I haven't heard anything new from either side that might make me want to come down firmly on one side or the other.  Instead, I think I'll just stay around for a while, looking at all the rocks that folks have dropped at their feet.  Especially the one at my own feet.  And maybe, just maybe, if I'm quiet enough, and listen hard enough, I might just hear some word of grace, healing, comfort, and hope from the One who continues to patiently draw in the sand.

Grace and peace, Y'All!
Brad